Honey on the Forehead? Check.

O Holy Night

'Twas the night before Christmas when all thro' the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugarplums danc'd in their heads,

And mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap

Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap --

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, 

Gave a lustre of mid-day to objects below;

When, what to my wandering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer and Vixen,

On! Comet, on! Cupid, on! Donder and Blitzen;

To the top of the porch!  To the top of the wall!

Now dash away!  Dash away!  Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before a wild hurricane fly,

When the meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

So up to the house-top his coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys -- and St. Nicholas too: 

And then in the twinkling I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:

He was dress'd all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnish'd with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys was flung on his back,

And he look'd like a peddler just opening his pack:

His eyes -- how they twinkled!  His dimples: how merry,

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry;

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a boy,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face, and round little belly

That shook when he laugh'd, like a bowl full of jelly:

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laugh'd when I saw him in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And fill'd all the stockings; then turn'd with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight --

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night."

OEG and the Temple of Monkeys

Picture of the year?  Uh, yes I believe so.

What’s the best way to test just how out of shape you’ve gotten since landing in Thailand and eating nothing but noodles and rice for two months?  Why, climbing 1.237 steps up a mountainside to a giant Buddha, of course.

There it is - that tiny speck of gold on the mountain

Random cow on the side of the road

Random elephant on the side of the road

The Tiger Cave Temple, or Wat Tham Sua, is so called because….uh, I guess because of all the tiger statues all over the base of the mountain?  Supposedly there’s also some rock formation that looks like a tiger paw, but the base camp was so littered with bizarre tourist crap that we couldn’t find it.  Also I neglected to read any of the signage at the bottom because standing and reading is exhausting, but my friends informed me that according to the signs, the area used to be home to many tigers.  Why they’re now gone is anyone’s guess.  Maybe ask the dinosaurs. 

Anyways, Wat Tham Sua is one of the more famous sites in Krabi, so in an effort not to totally suck as tour guides for Geologist Paul while also making our week off semi-affordable, we spent the morning getting acquainted with the business end of a serious workout. 

And some monkeys.

They’re everywhere.

 It was nuts because in some places, the steps were so steep it was like the construction workers got lazy and instead of making three steps, they made one.  And ran out of cement apparently, because some of the steps were so narrow that we had to turn our feet to the side since they were only meant to fit tiny, tiny Asian feet.

I’m not going to pretend it was easy.  I won’t be that “Dude, it was nothing” crazy masochist.  It was pretty brutal on my second-hand smoke-polluted lungs and leg muscles that haven’t seen a decent workout in an embarrassing amount of time, but I never thought I was going to keel over, pass out, or just die in general.

Actually, it was surprisingly fun!

Oh yeah, see there it is – Reflection delusions. 

It was fun?........Was it fun? 

Maybe I’m looking at this with too serious a degree of hindsight fogging up reality.  Maybe my memory is failing me and it was actually way more brutal than I remember.  Probably in the moment the thought of doing it again seemed about as appealing as washing my face with lye, but looking back, I’m all “Suuuurreee, I’d totally do that again!  What a rush!”  Crazy masochist.

And so it begins.

Uh....

A supposedly sacred statue in what is
most definitely a "come do me" pose.

What did significantly turn down the dial on the psychtitude meter wasn’t so much the climb itself, but rather the monkeys. 

Monkeys.  Again. 

Now I knew after the vicious monkey attack had left me clinging to my sanity by fewer threads than Andy Dick after an all-night bender, but I wasn’t anticipating the knee-quaking, heart-racing, whole body freak-out that ensued.

About 200 steps up

We were about 100 steps from the top when we noticed a minion of the Wicked Witch of the West (minus the wings and band uniform) chilling on a tree next to the steps, biding its time, calculating the perfect moment to lunge out and steal what was left of my sanity.  As much as I wasn’t ready for the intense visceral reaction that was to follow, I’m sure Stacy and Paul were expecting it even less (Carlyn hadn’t accompanied us due to a Full Moon Party-related battle wound). 

Upon realizing that I would have to pass the devil-creature, my entire body started shaking more violently than I’ve ever experienced.  My heart was racing and a vice of fear tightened around my stomach.  It was totally involuntary…..and totally hysterical now that I can see it from a distance. 

Halfway there!!

Paul, who at this point has been in my presence a grand total of about two days, suddenly became way more acquainted with me than I’m sure he would have liked.  To anyone watching, I may very well have resembled a monkey myself.  Using Paul as a human shield, I wiggled and squirmed my way up and down and across the set of steps. 

Monkeys can smell fear, I’m sure of it.  So naturally, it started following us.  At this point I think Paul began to understand the magnitude of my freak-out (hyperventilation is usually a good clue) and started kindly putting himself between me and the monkey.  Of course, the monkey wasn’t staying in one place, and I was acting a few clicks short of rational – we’re talking Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch here – so the two of us must have looked like we were putting on a complicated but clumsily-executed circus act.

“Don’t pull me, don’t pull me!” Paul said as forcefully as he figured he could to someone who had very clearly lost her already tenuous grip on reality.  He later admitted he was a little worried I would yank the both of us all the way back down the mountain, erasing all that arduous climbing in one fell swoop.

While Paul was trying to get me to cease and desist my escaped psych patient act, Stacy was yelling from twenty steps below us, “Don’t run Sarah, don’t run!” because, having witnessed the original monkey attack, she was fully aware of my current state of mind and had the mental image of me taking off running up the stairs, prompting the monkey to think I was either playful or dangerous and shoot off after me.  And in case anyone has forgotten that monkeys can hop and jump about like mad, its chances of catching me were pretty damn good.

Eventually I had clawed my way almost all the way up Paul’s back, he had it confirmed in his mind that I was coming up more than a few bagels short of a dozen, Stacy was in a small state of panic that Paul and I would come tumbling down on her head, and the monkey had grown bored screwing with us and retreated to the jungle.

Once the path was clear, I unhooked myself from Paul’s hair and practically sprinted up the remaining stairs, the monkey having provided the extra shot of adrenaline needed to ignore the pain in my burning thighs and power through to the top.

Crazy monkey aside, the torture (both physical and mental) turned out to be totally worth it because the view from the top was spectacular.  It’s difficult to put something so subliminal into words, so I’ll just let the pictures speak for themselves.

What Fresh Hell?

Before I post about my second monkey encounter at the Tiger Temple Cave, I feel it necessary to show you all a close-up of the attack monkey from Tup Island.

You've all seen this gem:

But now, courtesy of Stacy's camera also being on high alert, I've got this close-up of the scary-ass face of the monkey:

Go ahead, click the picture and zoom in on it's face.

Have you peed yourself yet?  This was IN MY FACE!
Look at those teeth!

Stacy also got some priceless images of the monkey rifling through my belongings:

Enjoying my candy

Reaching in for more (and not very stealthily)

Eating the last of my candy

Looking away all, "No big deal, I've got your food suckaaa."

He's got an audience, and knows it....and he's been
putting his nasty monkey lips all over my water.  Disgusting.

After he poured my water bottle all over the place (which
I did not touch again, no monkeypox for me thankyouverymuch),
he figured he'd see what other treasures he could find.

And now that should lay to rest any lingering questions about just how frightening this monkey was.  Thank you America, and goodnight.

Perfect Little Accident

You see why we keep coming back?!

We have been to Railay Beach about five times in the nearly two months we’ve lived in Krabi.  Some may call that boring.  We call it affordable repetition.  It’s breathtakingly beautiful, and as long as we don’t buy something while we’re there (which, let’s face it, isn’t often) costs us a mere 300 baht round trip.  It’s our little piece of paradise that’s practically in our backyard.

We’ve read about Diamond Cave a million times, and the promise of a cave was actually one of the things that drew us to Railay to begin with, but after two failed attempts to actually find said cave, we gave up the search and passed our days contentedly baking away in the tropical sun.

This time however, we found the cave.

A fellow OEG teacher came to spend a couple days in Krabi and as a geologist, he was keen on seeing all that Diamond Cave had to offer.  As his tour guides, we were a bit lacking in the cave department since we’ve thus far failed to locate it. 

I’d like to say we stepped up big time here, really pulled one out for our friend, but the truth is that we came upon Diamond Cave by sheer dumb luck.  Stacy and I were aimlessly walking around, stretching our lazy beach-legs, when we decided to wander past the point where we usually walk.  Spurred on by signs for the “YaYa Bar,” we continued walking down a dirt path.  We had no real intention of bellying up to the bar (After that Full Moon craziness, we may not drink again for months), but we were curious about a bar whose signs appeared to lead us deeper and deeper into the jungle.  We did wonder for a bit if we were walking to our deaths, following a dirt path straight into the arms of kidnappers who would sell us to the highest bidder for our luxurious hair and alabaster skin.

There were monkeys.  I was NOT happy.

Cave entrance

We walked past some vans that looked like they were props from Lost, past a guy sawing a piece of tree (people are constantly sawing small pieces of trees here), and past a cement wall with broken glass glued to the top to prevent people from climbing over.  Eventually we started seeing signs for Diamond Cave, and then suddenly there it was – no fanfare or anything, just a simple sign, a few flags, and a man taking money.  It was practically deserted.  It was strange for a culture that tries to squeeze money out of tourists at every turn that there wasn’t heavy advertising for the 40 baht trek through the cave.

We went back to the beach to get Paul and Carlyn, then paid our forty baht to see the cave.  It wasn’t exactly the Cave of Wonders – no genie lamp, no flying carpet or piles of gold – but it was still pretty cool.  Like I said, Paul is a geologist, so he was our defacto tour guide, occasionally spouting information about stalagmites and stalactites, calcium-rich water, and generally just being a good sport when we acted like novices.

Carlyn [excitedly, after learning how stalagmites are formed]:  Who knew rocks could be so interesting?!

Paul [deadpan/slightly offended]:  I did.

Clearly we were cave virgins.

It took us barely ten minutes to make our way across the little wooden foot bridge built through the cave.  Forty baht started to seem a little steep to walk fifty meters through some rocks, but now we can finally say that we’ve been to Diamond Cave!

Also, there were a ton of bats.  They were chattering up a storm some dozens of feet above our head which was nothing short of unnerving.  This exchange brought me to my knees (literally to my knees with my hands covering my head):

Stacy:  Hey Paul, if you shined your headlamp up there, would the bats fly at us?

[Paul lifts his head to the roof of the cave, illuminating what looks like a million specks of bat.  The bats start freaking out, squeaking and detaching from their perches.  I hit the floor, hands over my head like an extra in those “Duck and Cover” safety videos from the Cold War.]  

Stacy:  Take the light away!  Take the light away!

We’re a fun group J

Bundled up for our boat ride home as we
were getting totally drenched by ocean spray!