My Favorite Mistake

On the bookshelf of my life, there is a section labeled “Glad I did it, never going back.”  These weathered tomes sit out of reach, gathering dust, their relevance long since expired.  My weekend in Phuket is up there now, somewhere between freshman year of college (LOVED it, but who wants to be THAT clueless again?) and watching The Maltese Falcon (I know it’s a classic, but I seriously just don’t get the appeal).

Maybe our expectations were too high, I dunno, but I do know that Phuket was a shock to the system in more ways than one.  It was a crazy experience, equal parts wonderful and disturbing, and I have zero desire to return. 

Creepy face (?) painting on the wall of Ally and Morgan's hostel

A four hour van ride from Krabi let us off at the bus terminal in Phuket Town.  From there we needed to get to the hotel, to which we only sort of had directions.  Basically, we needed to get to Patong Beach.  One of the local buses said “Patong” on the side, but at that juncture we didn’t actually know we needed to go there.  People knew we didn’t quite know what was going on and took advantage to the fullest.  The driver of the local bus said he didn’t go where we were headed, then a taxi driver offered us a ride for 50 baht (ridiculous) into town where we could get another bus to Patong.  We lied and said someone else had offered us a ride for 30 baht so he lowered the price to 40.  Either way it was stupid because when he let us off, he pointed us towards the very same bus that rejected us in the first place.  It was definitely going where we were going, but the drivers worked together to get another 40 baht from each of us.

Let me take a minute to explain how Thailand works.  Foreigners get ripped off constantly.  Even when you aggressively let them know that you know they are ripping you off, they will laugh in your face and continue to rip you off.  Even when you say you are a “kru” (teacher), they laugh and still rip you off.  The laughing isn’t cruel (normally) it’s just how they respond to pretty much everything. 

They’ll work together to rip you off as I have described.  Even the people you think are kind will do this.  It’s not a conscious effort to strip you of your dignity though.  First, they all seem to labor under the misconception that our white skin means we are rolling in money, so they don’t really see a problem taking more from those who have more.  Second, it’s just a culture.  They look out for their own. 

For example, the hostel we stayed at the first time we came to Krabi Town was run by a man with whom we are still friends.  Nice guy. Helped Stacy cure some nasty bug bites swelling up her leg.  I played soccer with him and his friends.  We even bring him business by recommending his hostel to our friends.  But this cool guy ripped us off so badly that first night that had we been in America, we wouldn’t be speaking to him any longer. 

Desperate for a sure way back to the bus station at 5:45 in the morning so we might make it to school on time, we asked him to ask the bus driver who brought us to the hostel if he couldn’t arrange for him to pick us up.  We didn’t know then what we know now: mainly, that there is a van within walking distance that will take us right to our school.  He sensed our desperation and knew we knew nothing of the van, but rather than tell us, he managed to get us to agree to pay 150 baht each for a bus ride that normally costs 15 baht!  No doubt he got a kickback from such an outrageous markup, but we aren’t holding a grudge.  Everyone’s got to pay their dues, and we know better now. 

So anyways, back to Phuket.

Eventually we made it where we needed to go, and met our OEG friends Ally and Morgan in Patong.  Patong (and Phuket Town also) could not have been further from what we expected.  Of course travel websites and brochures can be deceiving (and honestly, we probably relied more on random preconceptions than those anyhow), but it was pretty much a mini-Pattaya. 

Tuk-tuk rides were crazy expensive!

For some reason, there was a bit of a tiger obsession here.

It was King Rama IX's 84th birthday on Monday so
we all had off school for the national holiday :)

Probably the only Christmas tree I'll see in Thailand :'(

We spent the afternoon at the beach, and after having been spoiled by the pristine and desolate beaches of Krabi, this was a wake-up call.  I’ve never in my life seen more people on one beach!  Lounge chairs lined the sand in rows almost clear down to the water.  They were of course three baht to rent – nothing here is without cost.  You’ve even got to pay to use a public toilet that you wouldn’t go into wearing a Hazmat suit at home!

The people density is so intense,
you can't even see past the first line!

Water sports of every kind were going on all over the place.

  

Children created an endless, chirpy chorus of gibbrish. 

This was about thirty seconds before their soccer ball
came flying at us.  Not the brightest kids playing
in a crowd of people this dense.

Creepy old western men got rubbed down with oil by young, barely-consenting Thai women.  And the Speedos – oh the humanity!

It's always the ones who can least afford
to be wearing something so skimpy.

This was the icing on the cake:

You. Are. Welcome.

The night out was a wild one, staring with some harassment from locals shoving menus in our faces on our way to dinner.  Almost made us not want to eat anywhere.  But hunger won out as it always does.  Once when we stopped to look at a menu, a woman came up to us a put another menu on top of it!  It’s really quite unappetizing.  Shoving menus in our faces was nothing though compared to the people shoving adverts for ping pong shows (I’ve elaborated on those in the past).  In what universe does a group of well-dressed western girls look interested in seeing that?!  Know your key demographic, people!

Everything "a-go-go:

After dinner we headed back to the hostel for a bit where we met some British dudes on holiday in Thailand for a few months.  They too were passing though Phuket and so were our party companions for the next 48 hours.  Our first stop was a line of non-descript bars where we had some drinks and got to know the Brits.

Please excuse the British guy licking my
face.  That's Barrie.  He's harmless.

At some point, a random Aussie joined the group.  He was not a welcome addition.  He was easily ten or fifteen years older than all of us, and those years had not been kind to him.  For some reason, he thought we would be interested in a bar were each patron is gifted a paddle (it could have been Styrofoam stick, I don’t really pay attention when someone talks that close to my face) with which to smack the asses of the strippers.  “Don’t worry,” he said when we all looked appalled.  “They’re allowed to hit you back.”  Oh well in that case, sign me up!

Sounds like a barrel of monkeys, amiright?

Despite all his intense planning (read: no planning at all), we did not end up in the smack-happy bar, but we definitely ended up in a strip club.  I’ve never seen that many bajingos in my life and I hope I never have to again.  The girls all wore these little lace skirts that as they danced, rode up and revealed everything.  Classy ladies, obviously.  Unfortunately photography was not allowed in this joint, so no pics of the strippers.  Trust me, it’s better that way.

The naked writhing women didn’t make me uncomfortable, but supporting the exploitation really did.  And don’t even try telling me they were enjoying this, or that they chose this particular line of work.  My impression of strippers was that they’re all cheery and bouncy, but these girls couldn’t even hide their displeasure.  Slightly disheartening.

Also, y’know that awkward moment when you’re attempting to have a normal conversation in the middle of a black-lit strip club only to realize that there is a nasty old American man getting dry humped by a 17-year-old stripper not five feet from you? 

No, that’s just me? 

Moving on.

After the wonderful experience that was the strip club, we wound up at a night club called The Factory where we danced until we were so sweaty we stuck to each other.  After spending so many nights dancing in bars in Cleveland, getting all sweaty and then immediately freezing the moment I stepped out of the bar into the lake-effect winter wind and shivering on the sidewalk until a cab came, this was a new experience.  The sweat doesn’t freeze-dries on you…it never goes away. 

Naturally we were craving French fries at 2am, so we found an amused waiter at a restaurant on our way home who satisfied our hunger before we finally made our way to bed.

Just waiting for a little snack...apres partying :)

Breakfast the next day was a bagel and latte from….Au Bon Pain.  For reals guys.  An Au Bon Pain in Thailand!  Ca-razy stuff.  

Also, we found a Starbucks.  Score!!

Mmmmmmm

We were going through some serious withdrawal, yo.

We were hit with a typical southern Thailand-style sudden downpour, so we did a little shopping while we waited out the rain, and then headed back to the beach for the afternoon.

That night was again spent crawling through the seedy underbelly of Patong, but unfortunately I (wisely) chose not to take part in the bar part of the festivities and instead spent twenty minutes sitting in a steamy bathroom hoping that my ability to breathe would return before I passed out.  Turns out there was a lot more smoke in all those bars the night before than I anticipated and my lungs had their typical reaction (Jenna:  Remember that time you insisted on taking me to the hospital and then my fingers went numb in class?!  Good memories.).  It was awesome…..and almost a week later I’m still recovering!

Clockwise:  Morgan, Carly, Stacy, me, and Ally
 totally cheating at an Italian restaurant.  The pizza and
garlic bread was amazing though!!

Playing some games in the hostel with our new
friends Catherine (Canada) and Barrie (England)

Looking pretty with Carlyn and Ally\

Some of these people we hung out with for two days,
others I've never seen before in my life :)

We picked up a stowaway for the trek home in our friend Morgan who had the whole week off from school.  The four of us, exhausted to our core, endured the torturous local bus up and down the mountains back to the station to catch the real bus to Krabi.  Four hours later we were home.  It was all we could do to eat dinner before collapsing into bed.  We did get to see some fireworks in honor of the king's birthday off our balcony before we went to bed!

They're no Zambelli show, and they lasted about
four seconds, but they were still pretty!

The king's birthday is also Thai Father's Day :)